If you're not a performer just skip the reading part(it's kinda long) and go to the comments section and tell me how funny and true it is.
Subject: Band Requests
REQUESTS
Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests
with the phrase "play my song", or "it goes something like this"
then hum a few bars! We have a chip implanted in our heads with
an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who
ever walked into a bar & all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be
vague. We love the challenge.
If we say we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're
only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep
humming. Hum harder if need be, it helps jog the memory.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear,
they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting
you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words. If one
member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will
instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the
band still claims to not know your song, it helps to just keep
requesting the same song every time there is a break.
It also helps to scream your request from across the room several
times per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU
SUCK! Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from
the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or
your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band memory.
This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal
Friend Of The Band."
Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really
prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior
thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job
is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the
hook easily.
Your request is all that matters. If a metal band had played at the
club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically
know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the
current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to
yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals or
jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful
Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better,
grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear,
while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will
be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war
between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until
the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from
this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the
guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument,
& only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind
their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not
impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during
breaks between songs.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful
way is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the
same time (such as a multi-harmony part). Our hearing is so
advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt
wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip
readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or
comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at
your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream
your request & be sure to over emphasize the words with your
lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the
innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the
singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of
how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
attitude. We love this.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will
appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you
can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke
bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the
drunker you are, the better you sound, & the louder you should
sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up &
attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the
band more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part
harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cow bell,
they love the challenge. The band always needs the help & will take
this as a compliment.
IMPORTANT: Remember to allow enough time to make it from the
stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage
accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.
BONUS TIP:
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments, they love this. Even if
you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact
that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will
call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
See you at the next gig,
The band
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